Review: The Nutcracker in 3D.

(Andrey Konchalovskiy, 2010, UK/Hungary)

Filling the traditional cinematic turkey position in this year’s cinematic releases, The Nutcracker in 3D is a hauntingly amateurish experiment in trashing the beloved original ballet by subjecting a superb cast to an embarrassing amalgamation of sloppy direction and bland, undeveloped CGI, where the essential magic is swapped with a strangely perverse story that resembles an over-budgeted pantomime more than a child-friendly adventure.

Filmed in 2007 but only just seeing the light of day here in the UK in a straight-to-DVD release, presumably after the atrocious reviews it attracted this time last year (it currently sits on a rare 0% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes), The Nutcracker in 3D is apparently twenty years in the making for Russian director Andrey Konchalovskiy, who believed that releasing it in 3D would benefit the film’s fantastical nature, though that is entirely lost in its stripped down 2D format. The set design and scope of the narrative is both extravagant and mucky, yet one can only imagine how increasingly grimy it would have looked behind those dimmed glasses.

Set in 20th century Vienna, the film sees Elle Fanning (in her worst performance) play Mary, a privileged, under-loved child who, along with her brother Max, is given the gift of a wooden nutcracker doll by lovable Uncle Albert (played with zeal by Nathan Lane, channelling Albert Einstein), who prances around and sings about the theory of Relativity. Eventually, said nutcracker, oddly voiced by Shirley Henderson, comes to life and ensnares Mary and Max in a life-and-death struggle to save his kingdom from the evil Rat King (John Torturro, laughably camp), whose primary claim to villainy is burning kids toys to block out the sun with black smoke.

Consciously banishing any trace of ballet, Konchalovskiy has wrapped a garish noose around the original story, allowing fragments of Tchaikovsky’s score to occasionally fill in the gaps between the awfully unmemorable songs that are shoved in haphazardly as a mere reminder of the film’s source material. Scripted by Tim Rice, the songs, although terrible, do at least beef up a string of already over the top performances from its cast, including Torturro, who struts around in a coiffed white wig and performs two numbers that need to be seen to be believed. His career may fail to live down the diabolical tune ‘Ratification’.

Sticking with Torturro, his goofball rat minions bare more than a passing similarity with Nazi’s; all but lacking swastikas as they parade the streets intimidating children and stealing their toys, all under the rule of the Rat King’s propaganda-lite slogan ‘Do The Rat Thing’. A neat idea would be to screen this alongside Schindler’s List, preferably with children, and see which garish similarity frightens them the most.

Without narrative urgency, or sense for that matter, The Nutcracker in 3D is a woeful tour de force in cinematic mortification, an ill-conceived mess that shrugs off the whimsicality of the ballet and replaces it with a gangly excavation in terrible filmmaking. What is palpable is just how desperate Konchalovskiy appears to be in attempting to create a worthwhile and goodhearted tale of good vs. evil, where toys magically come to life. Toy Story this aint, and no amount of visual trickery can save it from being a turgid lump of coal that not even the naughtiest kid deserves in their stocking this Christmas.

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